How to build healthy connections for better digestion
“I don’t like working out alone. I feel demotivated to get out and exercise, but when I have company like my partner or a friend, I know I’ll get out. Is this my personality?” - RP, client
In short, it is!
Human beings are a gregarious species, built for being in community and connection with others. Where we once lived in small group of tribes made up of 100 people or less, meaning you knew most people’s names and everyone’s faces, and probably at least one or two members of each family. And tribes were relatively stable because the lived, worked, ate and slept together, moving and defending each other as needed. It was a case of ‘for better or worse’!
While our diet and lifestyle has changed drastically from then, most of us still have about 100-150 aquaintances (known as Dunbars number), 50 actual friends, 15 close friends and 5 ‘core’ people we are close to. Does that ring true for you?
The closer you are to someone, the more likely you are to mirror each others though patterns, emotions and habits. This is how we learnt to develop connections early in life, mirroring our caregivers, family and immediate neighbours. They were our first core group, and gave a sense of stability, safety and secure attachment. This is why the early years of life are so crucial for developing meaningful connections with people who will remain in your life through to adulthood. Change at this early stage aggravates our sense of belonging and confuses the nervous and motor systems about who to learn from. This may account for some developmental issues children face in modern life such as ADHD, anxiety and learning difficulties. Learning to learn happens in infancy, and secure, consistent attachment and modelling is critical.
The tribe is the model, and each tribe is unique - this is how we mould individuals who live in harmony with their community.
As adults, we don’t outgrow the need for connection, and it shows! Each of us embodies the learnt behaviours of all the core people in our lives, again for better or worse. But the power of connection to the core people is to use it and heal together. The beauty of the core group is that there is trust, intimacy and genuine care for each other. These are all traits of Kapha dosha, the earth and water elements, and they bind us together and can help us bring change to the collective. People with strong Kapha in their constitution are often the most gregarious ones, who love connecting with others and feel nourished by relationships and intimacy. We all have some Kapha in us that needs to be fed, and here are some ways to use it in a positive way:
Find your tribe: Through the lens of balance, a core group should bring all the elements of space, air, fire, earth and water together. Does your tribe include someone with each of the elements or doshas? This is often why bands have 3-5 members with different sounds and looks! The diversity of a group helps everyone shine in their own light and work better together.
Build a healthy foundation: Connect through behaviours and habits that help rather than hinder. Get together with healthy pot lucks, walks by the beach, sports and time outdoors, and swap out late nights with alcohol, long lunches and expensive holidays. Find ways to keep everyone feeling good and supporting each other, so that you get to enjoy the best of both yourself and your people in ways that are sustainable and accessible to all.
Meaningful connections are brave: Many of us know what it feels like to be alone in a crowd. Often, this is because we are afraid to open up and be vulnerable with others, or share the realities of our imperfect lives for fear of judgement. But real connections are open to the good and the bad, and allowing people in creates a bridge of intimacy that the world craves deeply. Social media highlights are short-lived and surface level - have the courage and tenacity to go deep with the people you care about, and they will be more than happy to reciprocate. Not everyone needs a therapist, but we all need good friends!
A last note: How do you know they are your tribe? Because you walk away feeling lit up and light as air.
